Indifference is psychological violence in disguise

The title may appear to be weird. After all most people talk about indifference to violence not that indifference itself can be a violence. What do I mean by this obscure and somewhat cryptic title? It is not an enormous discovery but still quite some I think. I have been pondering for a while on this topic but never had enough of time or an inspiration to write about it.

Eva Pierakos some time ago wrote an excellent chapter in one of her book - the pathworks, in which she wrote that numbness of a person to another person in close relations is a form of cruelty in disguise. Numbness is a mechanism that people and especially children use to overcome pain and suffering. The way this mechanism works is that by numbing oneself, one protects oneself from pain and suffering. Unfortunately, numbing negative emotions automatically means one is numbing positive emotions as well. What is mentioned in the chapter is the fact that numbing is used when suffering and distress is caused by events from the outer world, world on which our control over events is seriously limited. Eva mentions that being numb is a form of a concept of evil, it is a strong statement indeed. In addition, Eva Pierakkos mentions that if we believe in God - we can devote the control to God and accept the status quo, and many events, which we cannot control - even though at times it may be painful and hard. This is a summary from the chapter.

What I have observed on top of that is something more subtle, a bit harder to see at first glance. If numbness is a form of protection from the outer world with many unpredictable events - in close relations is often used as well. This is especially the case when we have been let down, have suffered, have been seriously disappointed or even when we want to be careful so to speak. Numbness can lead to a psychological violence in disguise. It is a type of a very subtle passive-aggressive behaviour. Needless to say the consequences of this violence cannot be felt as easily as physical violence and one needs to be somehow sensitive to feel it. One could argue that in extreme cases one perhaps can be too sensitive but it is hard to explain it to someone who has suffered by violence caused by numbness and coldness. That type of violence is hidden and in disguise and somewhat difficult to notice. Depending on the strength of connection and the nature of a relation - the suffering caused by this type of violence can have dramatic effects on person’s health and can lead to victimisation and symptoms of psychological victimisation that in turn lowers one’s confidence and can have serious psychological side effects.

It means that one doesn’t have to kick, punch or hurt in any other physical way but pain can be inflicted on purpose or without it by being numb, distant and cold to somebody close or to put it a little bit drastically - by ignoring them. Ignoring is a bit extreme but happens sometimes as well. The more sensitive the person the more coldness can be felt.

You may have heard a numerous cases of family violence, serious violence, but would you ever believe somebody - if they said that they felt distressed and upset because someone was very cold and numb to them? Probably not, if somebody wanted to divorce over such an issue - a judge in the court could question motives of such person. At first glance it is an absurd claim Indeed, if we compare it to very drastic family violence cases - when an offender uses psychical force - then it appears as coldness and numbess as a form of aggression is a joke but over time - actually it can be felt pretty intensively.

The notion of violence caused by numbness becomes more tragic once one understands that as in case of all violences in the society - one can demand not to be mistreated and should indeed show that this behaviour is not to be accepted - with numbness type of violence - one cannot demand on offender to stop being cold. It simply doesn’t work in this way. You cannot ask for another person to be warmer, you can flag they have this problem and offer help but you cannot ask for them to change for you. This is especially true in very close relations - relationships - this is because we cannot beg and ask for affection and warmth. It is like almost when we do that - this is a perfect way not to get it. The more we ask the lesser affection and warmth we may get.

Eva Pierakkos - the concept of evil - http://www.awakentruth.org/lectures/134.html

Blog post - dedicated to Eva Pierakkos (1925 - 1979) - for her excellent book - the pathworks.

Eros is evil in disguise

Eckart Tolle wrote in a book - New Earth that evil lies in subconsciousness, many horrible things that we do or say are because we do not manage in time to filter by our conciousness the evil [bad] coming from within the involuntary subconsciousness. In fact one of the traits of smart people is ability to filter sublime evil. One has to pay attention to words and actions very much. People that lack in intelligence and manners or are rash often speak what they think and the devil shows in it's "glory".

Having read a great book - Love is a Story it is clearly stated in that book that loving is a subconscious process and author proves that in about 350 pages. We cannot just say - I love somebody when we feel like to. We can draw a conclusion that love is also evil in disguise, we know it not only from history of many break ups, loneliness felt in relationships, family violence and often from own experience as well. We have all tried it but not all may realize complexity of interactions in brain when we do have feelings, complexities of our subconsciousness.

The solution is when you think of relationship as much as a friendship as possible, when both people do that, there is some hope. That kind of loving style is called - storge.

Favour goodness over badness

Always favour goodness over wisdom and knowledge, wisdom is in books and you can always read them [not a big deal - trust me], goodness, however, is much more difficult to learn, it is because almost no one appreciates it, therefore people realize that is better not to be good. You can achieve much more through bad in disguise. Favour good and secure yourself inwardly to be shielded against bad.

Insecurity is the root of all evil

Reached a conclusion similar to E. Tolle that people may loose other dear people in life because of insecurity. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Any insecurity is dangerous. It turns out that we are all insecure if we don't secure ourselves properly. No exceptions. Don't secure yourself from outside but always from the inside. That is what religious people have been doing for ages. We have no control over so many aspects of our lives - that it is beyond belief.

thinking of soul mates

Sometimes it is really hard to get to know a person, who they truly really are. We don't ask obvious questions - we may think our friends think in similar way, especially when we feel comfortable around them. Wrong! Often, answers and their understanding of the world doesn't match ours in core issues. Biggest disasters are when we assume our soul mate will think like us. We are lucky if we share 80% of world perception with him/her.

Why extroverts are in a privileged position in romantic relationships

If you have read books on psychological types then you know that many extroverts (red+yellow) do admit that they have two sided nature, on one hand they are good and on another hand they admit they are bad. This badness can mean many things but often it means that they are egoists and have tendencies to manipulate and stealth cruelty. This is especially the case, when they are so called mixed types, e.g. yellow + green and red + blue. They are two-faced people, naturally. Actually women often reveal it first, they say, I am an angel and a devil - all in one. I have never heard it from introverts that they would be both good and bad, introverts tend to be more naturally good. Everyone can change their attitude over time towards being bad but naturally I think they are good, closer to the ideal of pure goodness. Quite often they change the attitude after encounters with extroverts and when they have been betrayed.

Cloisters are for introverts, not extroverts

It should not be a surprise that many introverts end up in cloisters, blue priests and green nuns. Contrary, to this people that should end up in cloisters are the ones that don’t end up there, red and yellow people. Instead they have various other businesses. Due to simple logical calculation - it is fare to assume - that at least one of them is in more than 50% of families. They can can use their innate manipulative skills. Cloisters are also way too boring for sensation seekers - such as red and yellow people, they would never be able to pray all day and kneel without very strong devotion. Since so many extroverts lean to have a family - it is not a surprise that eventually people divorce.

Chemistry, is it an absolute must?

While this is very subjective I think in general we think that extroverted people are more sexually attractive, models are extroverted often with charming looks and disarming voice. There are people that will not be able to be in relationships with other people when they do not feel chemical attraction to another person, others do not have issues with that. What I have observed is that extroverts are attracted to introverts and extroverts - chemically. They fall in love and are in love with the other extroverted person as well as introverted people. Introverts, however, are not chemically attracted to introverts even though they may be so called soul mates, instead they are attracted only to extroverts or people who are both extroverted and introverted (blended types). This means that introverts, if you think about this are in less privileged position because they are not attracted to each other but only to extroverts. They don’t have as many people to choose from. This observation is following talking with a few introverts and listening to what they want and why they chose people they chose rather than others. Introverts are attracted not only on chemical level [two bodies close together exchanging pheromones] but also on a psychological level. The brain of an extrovert is able to process love related emotions much more easily than an introvert, thus making extroverts naturally dominating over introverts. The only way to combat that natural domination is if one is stronger, which pretty much boils down to one extrovert being with another extrovert or an introverted man being much older than an extroverted girl.

Extroverts are risk takers and often insensitive

What you may have also noticed is that yellow and red people are often controlling and they don’t have moral qualms to play love games of various kind, they often admit that it is you have to play games. Since they have so many people falling for them - they are not afraid of the risk - thinking that they will always find somebody. Actually there is a strong correlation between level of intelligence and ability to stealth manipulate in an intelligent manner. Imagine that being spotted is considered to be a failure so one has to use amazing knowledge to do it intelligently. It is actually not that hard if one reads books on the market about manipulation and has some experience applying it. Perfection takes time tough. If a victim is also fairly stupid and does not know science of psychology and what dangers are awaiting in the forrest - the manipulator/perpetrator can have a lot of fun with the victim. Cruelty requires one to be insensitive to one’s pain - and often the way a brain of extroverted person works is that they are indeed insensitive to pain.

Extroverts are lazy

Attraction that all other colours feel to extroverts make them naturally lazy. When you get many job offers while you have a good job, you start ignoring job offers and last thing you have on your mind is to work on yourself to change yourself, to improve yourself. After all, why would you want to do that if you can easily have a new job? The same situation happens with beautiful extroverts and their love life.

Life is totally unfair and why it favours liars and powerful brains

One thing that I couldn’t quite grasp after reading one psychological book - was why yellow and red men that are less sensitive than blue and green people - marry quicker. Inequality in relationships is not even so much based on how we look like, how attractive we are physically but also what sort of brain we were born with, what are the prevalent hormones in our brain. This that evolution and nature favours power and strength. It is not a surprise that power is chosen over weakness. Power, however, comes at the cost, extroverts often hide their real feelings of affection and it is likely to meet one that lies about their feelings as a way to control and exercises power over an individual. Both men and women tend to lean to powerful characters - as long as they can feel - “the thing” - for them. That thing is a love map compatibility, every person has a love map and to find a person that would share our love map is really hard - this is sometimes referred to as soul mating. Thus, if a person feels or has felt a “thing” for both an introvert and extrovert, it is fair to assume that a person will choose an extroverted person - unless an individual already understands and has experience with negative traits of extroverted people. In that sense - following one’s heart is actually bad - because we follow the power and leaning to power is not favouring long term happiness and unity of two people. That is blindness of love and one should put corrective glasses of knowledge to correct it for the long term happiness.

Stealth manipulation works but... knowledge is your friend

How this power of extroverts is achieved is both through natural leaning to extroversion and through act of manipulation. If you do study some horrible psychological manipulation that can be done to a human being then you know that if you do not have moral qualms you can make another person totally dependant on you, you can make them to have compulsive obsessive thoughts about you - to the point of emotional exhaustion. Tests like that have been done on rats and pigeons and often they collapsed from exhaustion after a few sessions of psychological torture. There is a strong correlation between torture and seduction, if one does not have moral qualms and knows psychological tricks. Hard core love games can therefore be considered to be act of emotional torture. Needless to say, what is perceived as torture and the strength depends on how an individual likes another individual, how sensitive an individual is and last but not the least how knowledgeable and skilled an individual is to protect himself/herself from vicious acts. The protection can be done by reading books on the matter of manipulation, understanding when they are performed and eventually training at home or with a psychotherapist to resist acts of torture when they happen. Psychologists offer training set for interested people.

How to correct this, if you want to

Coming soon....

To be in love with one’s free will [freedom]

If I can blame myself - that would be being moral and often judgmental; blaming others sometimes for their own vices and forgetting about my own. No, I am not an angel. No one is, set of our vices vary though and one vice for another person is an advantage for another one.

On 11th November 2010 there was a special day for me and for many of us - the remembrance day. For me it was special not because of remembrance day but never mind. For me, number 11 is a special number actually. This is for many reasons and since this blog is public and this is quite private matter I will keep it to myself.

P. Coleho wrote a very interesting post on 11th November from his book - 11 Minutes. It was about a bird and a cage.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/11/10/the-bird-and-the-cage/

Now, if you think about this what we may love about other people is their freedom, the fact that we have no way to predict their behaviour. Yellow people [explorers] love their freedom so much that they are willing to pay often high price for it. They want to be loved for their freedom and they want to be happy at all costs to them and others. Perhaps in the long term some of us tend to love the most is our free will. Often one person abandons another person for them to come back later on or not, later on another one may abandon the other one, etc. Total unpredictability. In general there is lots of break ups and abandoning each other! Is it the way to go? I don’t know, not for me actually - because I think compassion and caring for each other should be no 1. That is in direct conflict with free will and one sided or two sided abandonment.

Abandonment has many roots and reasons, often it is because the way relationship is working is not ideal for an individual or both. When a person had something in the past that was better, they yearn to the past feelings. So when a person leaves - they cause the other one to love them / hate them - this is because as I stated some of us tend to love one’s freedom. Also, we feel we were not good enough, like a rotten apple that is chucked away, like a teddy bear that is no longer needed. Love or affection that is not returned tends to be strong if someone idealizes the other person too much and cannot see their vices. So it is messed up but you don’t have to Einstein [like me not] to notice it yourself :)

Abandoning someone is often equal to killing them and betrayal, the pain that ego and pain body feels is often unbearable. The more insensitive one is - the better, the less important the person is - the better, the more one is prepared to live on one’s own - the better, the more friends one has - the better, the stronger one is - the better, the more extroverted brain one has - the better.

This reminds me of a song by Sade - Soldier of Love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4xb9TSIITY

In many respect when one leaves another the act of doing so can be felt as a shoot from a gun in the heart with blood drilling - just like in action movies.

Why yellow [Explorer] vegetarians are also manipulative, cruel and often merciless

If you get to know explorers [yellow] people a lot, you will understand that most of them [if not all] like to play either love games subconsciously or consciously. Love games are acceptable for some people to a certain degree but there is a point which many people have - threshold of acceptability - beyond acceptability. The threshold changes over time and also varies on the time of day.

I used to think that if someone is an explorer or explorer/negotiator [yellow/green] is vegetarian they will stop themselves from playing games and stealth manipulation. This was rooted in thinking that if love games do indeed hurt another human being then an individual that does not want to harm any beings, including human beings - will stop himself/herself from doing so. It turns out, that our innate subconscious type is so strong that those people will not stop themselves from playing games even though they may inflict serious pain. Their egoistic need to put themselves first and in a subtle or not so subtle way despise another being is so high that it overrides even their own beliefs about being merciful. For me it was a shock. As some people know -> love can lead to a serious war between egos and often people will not stop themselves from anything to fight for their dignity and respect. Despite Geneva convention in war, in love games, for some almost all weapons and strategies are permissible. Ego in a person = Evil, so love games are often an evil vs an evil war. The more intensive the feeling the more devilish the war will be!

You will ask, but how is this possible? You see, it is. First of all, the way a brain of an explorer [yellow] works is different, so for them suffering is not as intensive as for introverts. If they have never been able to feel what is in someone else’s brain - they think it is fairly harmless to play hard core games. They are also high sensation seekers, which means that they will play the game not only for the other person but also for themselves. After all, they don’t know the outcome of the game and the other person upon which the game is played is unpredictable -> thus eventually the one that plays with a weapon may be the person dying from the same weapon. That is the price and price is often very high, we are talking about months or years of investment in a relationship. The longer the investment, the more dangerous it is and the more thrills those people will have when they play. Another one is that explorers actually believe that their freedom to do what they want is above any person’s needs, therefore they should have any right to leave the person when they want and then expect to be accepted when they want to come back. This is fact is subconsciously treating a person like an object, which is something I have covered in my blog post: “To love something or Somebody”.

I once realized that to be with an explorer girl a man needs to be even better manipulator than they are. The manipulation can be either stealth - when it is invisible for the person and not stealth - when it is botched and is so blantantly obvious that one is laughing how botched job the manipulator has done.

Vegetarian explorers are the most ambivalent or impossible type one can find, because they are moral [veggie way of living] and amoral [conscious or subconscious] at the same time.

It turns out that suffering in love often makes this love stronger in the long term and that is why I think explorers [yellow] people play games. It may make it stronger for them but not necessarily for the other person. It is quite clear from this - that explorers should be with explorers and it is indeed the case. They marry each other above statistical average [Helen Fischer].

Last but not least, the absolutely must component for a relationship to work in the long term is mutual respect and compassion and it turns out that one seems to be the hardest to get from an explorer/negotiator

To love something or Someone?

Accidentally, I went to Sex and the City fan page on facebook and what I have read truly scared me. Ok, I don’t like it but then again my opinion is probably useless anyway because if it has so many followers than I am not going to change the world, am I?

"4,614,687 people like this"

If you know what sort of people like Sex and the City, then you will know that they are liked by yellow people. People who are superficial and are not scared to say that. People who are glib, like to play games, lie, despise, control and usually look very sexy and attractive. Those same people are usually also totally charming and sexy as hell. They pay attention to the way they look like a lot. Everyone should really, they just take it one step further than most.

There was one particular quote from sex and the city that I was thinking about -
“You wanna take the only person who's in your life purely for sex, no strings attached, and turn him into a human being? Why?”- Samantha

Another one I saw on facebook written by a yellow girl is:
“If you love something, set it free, it will come back to you - broken”

If it wasn’t enough, another one I heard from a yellow woman - “If only I had time, I would go around and fuck up men’s minds but I don’t have time :(”

You must think I really stumble upon horrible yellow people, well maybe, but I dare to say that 90% of them is like this and 90% is being an optimist as well.

Not all yellow people like Sex and the City but there is a strong correlation between Sex and the City, Lady Gaga and yellowness of a person.

Often these people will be in relationships and will treat another person like an object. It is actually easier like this because loving someone really truly is hard, dangerous and awkward. When you treat someone like an object, it removes all guilt that you may have. After all, why would you feel guilty if you did something bad to an object? You can feel guilty if you treat someone like a human being that feels. If you treat someone like an object, you can suddenly start doing things that you wouldn’t do to a human being that feels and suffers. You can play games, you can despise them, you can treat them badly. Basically, you can be a bitch or a bastard without remorse. Funnily enough those people cling also to themselves in opposite [or same] sex. After reading a book by Helen Fischer - it is quite clear that yellow [explorer] people primarily marry yellow [explorer] people. That means that they often both tend to treat themselves badly and often relationship is about stealth manipulation. As psychologists say, often active inflicted cruelty removes sense of guilt from a human being. It numbs the person even more. A guy will claim he is busy and has no time, woman will pretend she doesn’t want to have sex or even that she needs some time for her own her now. One will try to put themselves first, and another one will do the same. Putting themselves first as I wrote in previous blog entries - is the most subtle way to despise someone.

It is about lying, pretending and games. So how can you have a real intimacy between people in such situations - you can’t. What is truly horrible is that you can also FAKE intimacy!!! When I realized this I was shocked, I have never thought intimacy could be faked. Obviously, it is never as black and white as I describe it. There are shades of gray but basically, intimacy is much more serious for introverts than for extroverts.

I have noticed that in general introverts tend to treat other people like human beings and extroverts tend more like objects. Often extroverts expect subconsciously to be treated like an object as well. They will never admit it, but when they find a perfect guy or perfect girl - the one that has no flaws and loves them - they freak out. They don’t want to be loved back. Messed up, huh?

I found an interesting comment of one woman on the Internet that was a review of a book:
“I am recently separated from my husband. He used to worship me but for some reason I just didn't feel the same for him. He was perfect in every aspect, but I couldn't love him the same way back. I ALWAYS had doubts about my feelings for him, but because HE loved me so much, I ended up settling. Now he went the other way... says he doesn't want to be married, doesn't know what he wants, and I started to freak out and convinced myself he was the man of my dreams.”

Later on she writes:
“My husband is playing a lot of games with me, just as men do in the dating world, and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. After reading the writer's wife chapter, I was reminded that love should be easy. There shouldn't be any rules. The Rules have to happen naturally. You aren't available because you REALLY have stuff to do and other things to think about.”

I could almost say for 90% that a yellow woman wrote this.

Why people play games and manipulate. Because it works. If you have no moral qualms and know how to do it intelligently, this will drive a person mad and you can make them love you a lot! You can only do it, as long, as they don’t realize, have a thing for you, if they do realize this - they accept games to be played upon them. You cannot play games to someone that realizes what is happening and doesn’t accept them. After all, everyone is free and a person can always go their separate way. Also games can hurt and you can hurt someone so much that they won’t be able to easily trust you again. In a sense brutal love games are for insensitive people or the ones that are not afraid to suffer in the name of something - not sure what?

You may ask, why is there such a fundamental difference between the way introverts tend to love and extroverts and does it mean all introverts are wonderful and all extroverts are that bad. No of course not. First of all, what is bad for one person is not necessarily bad for another one. Extroverts often have biased moral system to their own needs, which means that they perceive badness differently or can always explain something that is perceived as bad and still do it. If you think about this really deeply - they way they subconscious mind operates is different. This is what truly separates introverts and extroverts, vastly different subconsciousness.

If I slate all yellow and red people so much, is it possible to meet one of them that will have strong moral system. Yes, being religious, christian and vegetarian helps. It just improves the score - it is still unclear how possible is to completely remove their vices. Psychologists think vices of human beings are innate 50% and 50% they are acquired through life experiences and how they have developed their moral system over the course of their life.

Playing games and being bad in general is driven by one primarily problem known to all human beings - appreciation of goodness is difficult. Goodness is boring and badness is exciting. Love that is NOT returned is INITIALLY stronger.

So what happens? Everyone subconsciously [unless they know how to correct it] goes for bad people.

Many people therefore go for other people that treat them like objects! That is why so many people fall for this sick psychological mechanism. Learn to correct it, learn the science of psychology.

Are you a dormant sadist?

Sadism is more subtle than you think. "Sadism comes with a goofy smile, some sleazy glitter and a cackle."

In Milgram experiment, under power of the authority, 65!!!!% of people went all the way to the highest VOLTAGE to condition students".

What I have observed is something totally scary but I have no proof for that at all. It is only based on my personal life experience and partially generalization effort. There are psychological types that will have higher probability to consciously inflict pain than others. Red and Yellow types have higher probability to inflict pain than Blue and Green types. I don’t exactly know why but I think a lot boils down to brain and the neuroscience. Did you know that high levels of oxytocin will mean that you will feel more empathy towards other beings? Green types have naturally high levels of oxytocin, where as Red and Yellow types don’t. They have more testosterone. People are often blends, so for instance a Yellow and Green type will have some bits of oxytocin. This is all about natural empathy. There is also something like conscious empathy, which means through education, intelligence you can become more empathetic. Conscious actions can fix any subconscious actions pretty much. The problem is that subconscious actions account for more than half of your actions and less than a half are conscious. This will mean that more often you will behave the way your subconsciousness is telling you rather than your consciousness. This is important to understand because it means it is hard to fix yourself even if you try. Realization of the problem is 50% of the solution though. Some people don’t think they have a problem, so they cannot solve it.

On the other hand, just to show you that I try to be as little prejudiced as possible, if you take a look at Roman Catholic way of bringing up children in Poland between 1900-2000, you will notice that priests and nuns were very strict to pupils. Priests are often blue and nuns are often green. That would be against my theory of yellow and red being the only source of bad on this planet. Pupils were beaten with a rubber, they were forced to stand in the corner and many more. It is really hard to know how to bring up children but that is topic for another blog post - once I gather some opinions and bring up a child myself, which may take me a few years...

Are you scared of yourself? You should be. Doubt yourself and control the dormant sadist in you. Never let power of authority forget about humanity and who you truly are. The power of authority can be very powerful... 65% of population is more than half and psychiatrists were asked a question on how many percents will go all the way to the highest voltage and the answer was 1%...