Are you a star or a planet and why you should know which one you are.

If you know physics and theory of gravity then you know that smaller planets orbit around bigger stars. In solar system, all planets orbit around the sun. If you think about it, it is very similar to the way evolutionary psychology and human relations work. If you give free will to both people in a any relationship what will happen is that one of them will have a better fitness function, will be stronger and another one will orbit around the stronger one. The one that orbits around usually loves less, therefore has to fight to stay in the gravitational field. The more he/she fights, the more the bigger object will want to get rid of him/her. The bigger object doesn’t care, for a bigger object you are just a pawn. The same thing happens when you join a big organization, you are just a cog in a machine. Company is bigger and more powerful than you are, so if you leave them nothing happens. You have to orbit around your boss. Of course, it is a mutual exchange, you work for the company to realize it’s objectives and you are paid for it. Once you are not necessary - you are made redundant. There is no mercy. In evolution and evolutionary psychology mercy is up to a point of fair mutual exchange between parties. Mercy in relationships is when there are feelings keeping people together or some very mundane aspects like a child together or some sort of common interests. Since feelings lasts only up to three years, this is the natural gravitational force that has to be used to commit for longer or most probably one will leave another. Think of this that when there is chemistry and soul connection nature gives you gravitational force of feeling to use it. However, as I stated one person orbits around another person. One person loves more, one person loves less. It makes complete and perfect sense from evolutionary point of view. Why would a better more powerful object seek a smaller object if it wasn’t necessary for a bigger object. Bigger object needs to want a smaller object to learn from them. It is true that a bigger object can learn from a smaller object as well but we humans tend not too appreciate it when the feeling is weaker as well.

So what traits should you have to be a bigger object, rather than a small one in a relationship? We all know it all to well: smart, rich, healthy, beautiful, having symmetrical shapes, charming, strong in non-verbal skills [like an actor] and some people may not know it but being naturally seductive [yellow+green type] is in demand. Last but not least, sharing the same love map, which is sometimes perceived as spiritual connection between two people - that can trigger falling in love.

It does not mean that you will always be a star or a planet in every relationship, in fact it keeps changing. You may be a star in one relationship and a planet in another. Again, it makes perfect sense because your fitness functions are relative and are different in different relations to people. A lot depends on age as well, that is why a woman should be younger because a man has a potential of being more powerful once he gets older. Enormously a lot depends on psychological type of a man, innate type. The conclusion is that from evolutionary point of view - women are actually more egoistic to choose one partner, where as men are more egoistic to try with many partners in case accidentally something works out. It often does, because another rule is that love that is not returned can be very strong, think of it that a guy tries with many females and accidentally he forgets to call back. For her it appears as affection or even love that is not returned. Accidentally, he may succeed. There is a moral aspect to it, why would you do that but what is a morality of a woman that leaves a smaller planet when she is the sun?

It turns out that women much prefer to be a smaller planet rather than a star. They want to orbit around the sun rather than a man orbit around them. Therefore, I actually strongly believe in patriarchal model of the family. What tends to happen is that a woman that does not orbit around the sun is unhappy and may decide to leave a man. She may not do that if she doesn’t have resources to do so, resources such as money. If she is too seek happiness in love, she may leave the smaller planet in the search for the Sun. Women are more irrational than men, therefore more rely on feelings than common sense, it is therefore more probable for a woman to leave a man that is a smaller planet than for a man to leave a woman. Having said that, the only way a man can keep a woman and make her happy in the process is to imprison her in her feeling of love to him rather than imprison her because she has no choice to leave him - no money, etc.

So what happens when as a guy you meet a woman that is too powerful - she is the big sun and you are a small planet. She will eventually reject you. Women that are suns also have a huge problem because often they are so powerful and so strong that it is hard for any man to compete with them. The man needs to be stronger than a woman for her too feel long term attraction. Short term attraction is somewhat different. Women use their feelings and other aspects to check for man's strength. It is all evolutionary psychology.

Bill Bryson wrote that probability for life in the universe is very very low. This is probably also the probability to meet a man and a woman of your dreams where all aspects are in order. Usually people don't, they have kids with different people they settle for long term relationship.

And now to cheer you up... an example of a relationship and orbiting between a man and a woman. Let's say a man is blue and green and woman is yellow and green. This is what happens:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVGzwj1A4QI

Hihi.. :) it is less funny when you have gravitational force :)

Imaginary - why reality always looses a fight with dreams

Imaginary - why reality always looses a fight with dreams

Many people dream of perfect love, perfect life, the one when both lovers love each other equally - forever. Perfect life, where everyone is equal. We seek partners and we find out that it is not possible. We seek jobs and we see how nasty world of business can be from inside. It turns out that the ones looking for an ideal will always be disappointed. This is because a real person or world will always be less ideal than our imagination. Real person always looses a battle with an imaginary vision of the person. Therefore, one has to drop a vision of an ideal person as much as possible - to the point of mutal commitment. You and the world, you and the person.

The war begins: the duel of egos

The war begins: the duel of egos, 01-08-2010

Assumptions
1. By default, love is a war because strong feelings and being hurt can lead to feelings of revenge
2. People are unable to fully love a person that doesn’t respect themselves
3. Perfect state of equilibrium is not easy among humans, either we are mean or generous, etc, we swing from one way to another rather than be perfectly in the middle

Now when you have feelings for someone, there will be many occasions for you to test whether the feeling you have for someone is stronger than your own pride and love of yourself. Always, you have a choice, you choose the feelings and the person or your ego. People have noticed that often men love bitches and women love bastards. Being a bastard or a bitch is more metaphorical here, they put themselves first, they show their ego is more important than their feelings to that person and ultimately that person for them. In the society govern by free will, the most humble way of despising someone is not wanting to meet them and spend time with them. Effect is similar to those less humble ways, it is just subtle.

Now imagine that both people have strong ego, this is a tricky situation because one person’s feelings need to be stronger than their ego to reconcile. In priest’s [always believe in merciful love] eyes the person that sort of “gives up” is a winner, but human beings perceive it differently. It appears as a weakness and no one likes weakness. Not on this world anyway, not in the world controlled by evolutionary forces. The person that has feelings stronger than their ego is almost in a defeated position. When hard time comes they will be the ones that will suffer more. It is almost like in such a potentially beautiful and over glorified thing like love - the one that loves more is a loser rather than a winner. Spiritually, in principle, he/she is a winner but practically a loser.

Historically, this was solved by inequality of women and men. A guy’s ego was always supposed to be stronger and woman was supposed to be submissive to a guy. Guy’s commitment was sought - not woman’s. That did leave guy in privileged position and often he did have affairs on a side because he knew the wife would always be there for him. It did not mean he would have to have affairs though.

When someone leaves us, we have a choice - shall we fight for that person or not. If we fight, then we devote our ego for feelings for that person. The person sees that and thinks.. ah, so you love me, they are happy by this initially but then they realize, they hey if you love me more than your feelings, that what about your ego and self-respect? This is when they may reach a conclusion that we don’t respect ourselves and actually this will cause them to stop loving us.
It is often the case, that people who actually love each other are apart. It does not mean they love each other equally or on fact need to spend time together. The worse is to threat someone you want to kill yourself, even though you may actually think your existence is futile and pointless. It does really feel this way, those are your thoughts, emotions. People commit suicide after a broken heart, this is not an illusion. They can leap from a bridge into the water, potentially fatal dip. Threatening to commit suicide doesn’t help to be loved back, in fact it has worse effect, we are completely not loved back in such case.

There are many tutorials on the Internet, how you should be horrible to a woman and to a man to be loved. If you start doing it consciously, it starts to be a concept of who will harm whom more. It starts to be sick. How could it be something you can desire? The problem is that like I wrote in the past, people cannot consciously control how bastardy their are or how horrible they are in the long term. That is why sometimes a good boy is a with a bad girl and a bad girl is with a good boy. Then they have kids and the boy is so bad that they actually cannot handle this anymore - they split. The father is hailed as a dickhead. There were many good guy - suitors - before the bad father. They were sent off, they were given a brush off, because they were not challenging, because they were too nice, because they were too good or because they pheromones were not right - meaning they smelled inappropriately! In a sense, we pay the price for our own choices. We pay the price of the way evolutionary biology works. When I like you, you like me but you smell badly for me sorry! If we only paid it, that wouldn't be too bad, children may pay it, and that is much worse. Those innocent children, at least they have a potential to fix in the future what we are unable to handle. Will they? Will they fix love? At the moment I very much doubt it, because in principle the way human brain operates would have to be altered.

In evolutionary sense this being bad is hard to explain, why would evolution favour bastards and bitches? After all, the probability for a bitch and a bastard to have a child is higher, probability for someone that is behaving badly and is gratified by an evolutionary privileged to pass on genes is somewhat strange to me. This is even scary. Often thank God, society and actually good principles bring up that child and a father or a mother are loosing the importance. It does raise concerns for the future of this, if psychologically, in principle and and on high level, this is flawed so much. This also leaves room for artificial insemination as a way to fix a flawed nature. Very shocking idea. Jennifer Aniston has been trying this recently...

Love is a loosing game
This is a song by Amy Winehouse and it is so much true, it ends up being a game, a war, a duel - initially, because there is always an ego - your ego against your feelings to that person. Both people keep trying themselves over days, months, years and check their level of feelings vs ego to other person. Eventually, naturally one person looses, because by a tiny bit they loose interest in that person. That tiny bit often means - I mean fine without you, if you leave me - I don’t care anymore. The older people are the more prepared they are to live on their own but with dignity and respect - with their ego in a good shape.

What are the factors to win the war naturally without being too horrible?
Natural factors are your natural charm abilities, being able to smile, being able to deceive your real emotions, being Yellow and green person - in case of a woman or a man, they are usually models, most sought after women - alpha females or males, being fit, being pretty [symmetrical shapes] and last but not least being smart.

Free will in love is flawed for equality of love
You can read more about freedom in love in one of my previous entries:
http://matiwinnetou.blogspot.com/2010/08/freedom-in-life-and-relationships-is-it.html

Possible combinations of feelings and ego between two people:
Both egos - version 1 Ego follows another ego through their feelings
When one person and their ego is weaker than their feelings to another person, they will follow or chase that person. The other person notices it and may stop to respect that person. This is because that means they have stronger feelings then their own ego. They may let the person to humiliate their ego for the feelings that they have.
In this situation another person will be with another person only as long as they are not fed up with them really. The follower is at mercy of the person that is followed.

Both egos - version 2 two egos go separate ways
When both egos are stronger than the feelings that they have to their partners, they may choose to go their own separate ways. Both people realize that their egos are stronger, thus it means they value themselves more than the person they have feelings for. This is sort of a pride and prejudice scenario - where both lovers love themselves but they won’t be together due to pride and strong ego that they have. In this situation they may actually reconcile and get back again and they most probably are going to miss each other although with somewhat different intensity. When the time passes, things change, feelings change and they may start missing again. This will be the case up to a moment when they will have a fight, disagreement or whatever reason that will hurt either of the egos, when the previous reason they had split comes back.

Equilibrium in love is very hard, so hard that I doubt it is even possible. There are people that are rich and the ones that are poor, we often moan about it. We dream of equality. Somehow, we think love and relationships is exempt from inequality and that perfect imaginary equilibrium can be achieved. It may appear this way, this is because feelings cannot be easily measured. There is no scale to put feelings, commitment on and check levels. It is not countable. If there was such a thing, I very much doubt that both people would ever end up equally committed and loving each other.

Why is this so hard to see? You may ask. Initially, the fighting is invisible, you talk about stuff, exchange ideas, it appears equal - actually for both people it is equal. It can feel amazing from day one. Over time, however, subtleties come out, missed expectations, wrong assumptions and projections we had stand a test of time. Thus, the only perfect love is an imaginary love, love of dreams, because in dreams unlike in reality everything is possible. As a Software Engineer by profession, I only believe in working things and equality of feelings doesn’t work in real life in love.

Praying to God or any other external force will not help you to be loved back equally what it may change if you are religious is the commitment of the person that doesn't need you as much as you do.

So why people believe in often ridiculous and impossible ideas like perfect and pure love? This is because believing in a notion of something perfect will shield them from the cruelty of existence. It is better to live in a dream than in cruel reality. Living in a cruel reality removes all sensitivity that you may have. Dreams are better :)

Why to be with a yellowy girl you have to be a prick, liar and a dickhead and they like it without knowing about it

Why to be with a yellowy girl you have to be arrogant, liar and a dickhead and they like it without knowing why

Someone may ask a question, why do I keep blogging about this stuff. Well, this is because no one actually told me any of this when I was a child. It would have helped to explain certain behaviour of other people towards me. I had to study psychology and observe life and think and think and think...

The title is a bit ironic. You don’t have to lie and smart yellow girls [very few - sorry] usually settle in the long term for good boys but lying and deception is for them a very important part of seduction process that works. It really depends what they want, if they want commitment, they prefer blueish/greenish boys, if they want love games and have fun and lovers around, they much prefer naughty Red or Red/blue and Yellow/green boys.

Yellow girls/boys are the hardest to get in the long term actually, this is because they are the hardest to commit to anything serious for the long term. This is quite sexy and exciting. Now, yellow people as an anthropologist author Helen Fischer writes have somewhat biased moral system to their own needs. Everyone is egoistic but naturally they are more than let’s say moral blue people. That means they will often resort to lying to get something and have fewer moral problems about it. For instance, do you recall tv adverts, where a handsome guy is walking and then a girl accidentally falls so he can come to help her. This is a typical yellowish behaviour, where a lie is used to seduce a person. Lie is important in love games for yellowy people. Another example of yellowish behaviour is torture, also to seduce. Being sweet and horrible in short time intervals. It does not have to be done consciously - but can be done unconsciously and usually is. If for a yellow girl that is a normal behaviour, and sometimes morally justified in their own value system [when they play love games] - that means theoretically she should accept that behaviour towards her as means to seduce her. She often does but sometimes keeps moaning about it, she says: “all men are liars” but on other occasions she does, in fact, not lying is considered to be a failure. An example is when a guy tries to approach a girl and tells her she is beautiful and amazing and would like to have her phone number. That is a FAIL straight away. There is no game and game is the part of seduction process. If he asks for a way somewhere then it is ok. In fact, she should only accept those that don’t lie from the beginning because those innocent lies with turn into real lies in the future. That would also mean that everyone on streets would be asking for phone numbers and it is not socially acceptable. I am glad actually it is not in a way because one important part of relationships is a conscious commitment, therefore a person needs to consciously want to date when they are available.
It wouldn’t be bad if lies were only used for seduction purposes but the problem is that once someone has indeed biased moral system they tend to get confused and perhaps lie about issues they should not lie about. That leads us to another problem, the exploitation of victim’s complex by treating some person badly. Everyone has complexes, even the most amazing people so any person’s ego can be hurt and exploited.

Since evolutionary psychology works so much, we tend to love people that want us the least. This means that the best boy or a girl in our thinking process is the one that runs away from us the most. Needless to say, people are not together in such case or for a few moments only, mostly living separately. This only happens when we want them a lot, because otherwise we don’t care. It means that the best possible manipulation and exploitation can be done when people actually have very strong feelings, emotions and connection to each other. This is when the game CAN begin [does not have to]. The older people are the less they want to play games and want games to be played upon but some of them never stop actually. Why? Because it works, it hurts as well, so sadists often do that.
Sometimes you may spot a yellowish girl likes you is when she flirts with everyone, EXCEPT YOU. This is typical behaviour actually. It appears as though you are the least important but in fact you were the most. This is deception and yellow people resort to deception very often. The thing about deception is that one from another can only be differentiated by intuition and ability to read body language communication and tiny little messages. That is very hard and yellow people know it well. That is because they actually sometimes really mean they don’t care about you at all.

The former behaviour of flirting with everyone except you - is a TOTAL lie and as I said many times yellowy people are natural liars, it just comes to them naturally. That does not mean they lie all the time, it is just easy for them to be poker facing people and lying when they decide to do so. This comes to them easily because acting skills are in their nature, they are masters of their body language, unlike blue people that are unable to hide their emotions as well as yellowy people. Yellowy people are also very spontaneous, so they will lie without you knowing when. No chance to predict anything because there is no prediction, even they don’t know sometimes how they will act, they rarely plan it! Yellowy people make decisions in their life based on conscious and subconscious thinking. When it is subconscious I am starting to think that yellowy [explorers] may be perfect number generators. This is because this is a subconscious process. As a IT digression it is well known, however, that human conscious number generation process is not perfectly random.

In a relationship a yellowish woman can be unhappy in two ways actually:
1. she is with a guy she doesn’t fancy that much - that is good and kind to her and doesn’t want to play games with her,
2. she is with a guy that despises her, lies to her and treats her badly, potentially eventually cheating on her or dumping her,

Yellowish girl is more likely to choose no 1, when she doesn't have money and a child that needs to be brought up, provided that a guy is not a total wimp. She will most likely choose no 2, when she has no child and perhaps he will slit up with him after some time or for some other reasons this will finish. So in evolutionary psychology the goodness is not favoured anyhow. In society yes, we punish the cheaters and liars a lot [there is judicial system and social norms] but in evolutionary psychology they get a reward, naturally, provided that they are sexually attractive, know how to manipulate and are masters of their body language, etc. Their gens get passed to next generation. One example I remember is when one girl I know got confused and acted bitchy to me even though there was absolutely nothing between us. I disliked her totally. This was a FAIL for me straight away. I applied social norms because I didn’t idealize or like her or anything. Lady GAGA sings that yellowy girls should start playing games when “he is hooked up”. I wasn’t hooked up so she failed as well. She wouldn’t have failed if I trusted her and loved her. So now you understand why to trust a human being is so hard, it is the hardest between women and men. These things often work out in the longer term, so first, second or a third day may show signs of romantic equality. Very pretty and blissful moments to be honest, very deceptive. Eventually that equality is broken, either way.
The way to spot who someone really is when how they behave towards members of their family, this is because they don’t have to fight for their love, they will be who they are. Horrible things can be seen, like scolding, shouting and quarrelling, etc. Even that is not that simple, because in certain cultures it is socially acceptable to behave like this. In fact it is expected. I am thinking of Italian culture in particularly.

It is not hard to imagine why almost all romantic guys in Romantism have failed to seduce women - because they were too good and they could/did not want to play love games. They didn't know much about evolutionary psychology back then.

Freedom in life and relationships - is it the ultimate perfection or fundamentally flawed idea?

Freedom in life and relationships - is it the ultimate perfection or fundamentally flawed idea?

Are you truly free? No one is truly free actually. Even, the tramp, the person that seems to be the most free is trapped in his body that owns him. People dream of being free and many of us in the western society cannot imagine a different life then the one governed by actions of free will. Needless to say, certain actions in your life can be free. In fact, to be imprisoned is considered to be one of the worst things. You go to jail when you do bad things - it is a punishment.

Freedom is only helpful to those that know how to use it sensibly and somewhat troublesome for the ones that don’t know what they want. For people that don’t know what they want, freedom gives an ability to try things, make mistakes and learn from them. Have you ever heard an expression that grass is always green on the other side? I am sure, you have, it is a fairly popular saying. It means that we often tend to think that something else will give us more happiness than status quo. This thinking is somewhat flawed, often what we cannot imagine is a new set of problems that we will encounter on the other side. Some of them obviously are impossible to imagine, some of them, however, are foreseeable. It is often lack of imagination of negative aspects of grass on the other side that makes us fall into a trap that the current state is bad and all will be sorted when we change. What tends to happen is that we do swap problems, we eliminate certain problems and we encounter new ones. When we actually swap a better state for worse state, we may be tempted to go back. Sometimes it is possible, sometimes the doors are closed, so we have to factor that while making decision to move on.

Concept of freedom starts to be really properly complicated when it is analyzed in relationships. I have been analysing how freedom is somehow flawed in this area. Some time ago I reached a conclusion that relationship is like a way together towards the same destination. There are many ways, forks, junctions, crossings, with different people walking there but both people choose the same path to walk on. That is act of free will but also this act is an act of eliminating parts of own freedom. Both people cannot be truly free when they are together. It is an imprisonment. The most beautiful kind of imprisonment is when someone enslaves oneself out of free will. We already know that imprisonment can be considered to be a punishment, that is why some people actually want to be free. One can ask a question - what keeps people together then, so that they devote the most precious thing they have - freedom. People do it because of feelings, spiritual connection of some sort and last but not least ability to “dope” chemistry of another person through intimate encounters. I think many people thousands of years ago have noticed how freedom in relationships can be flawed for both people to stay together in the long term. Women are best known to be undecided and not knowing what they want, men are infamous for cheating because naturally they just love to spread semen around and their brain is easily turned on by new sexual objects. There have been numerous ways of fixing it - in almost every culture. In Indian culture, parents choose the groom for their daughter, in christian culture, marriage is considered to be - to the grave - no matter what. It makes sense if you think about it - problems will have to come, frustrations will appear, an initial enthusiasm will wear out, chemistry will weaken as apparently according to research people can be in love chemically only up to three years. The only ideal relationship is the one that is in your head, in your imagination, where you cannot imagine potential problems. As a small digression, vivid imagination is one of the most important components of falling in love, when you idealize person to be more perfect than they actually are. When you see flaws straight away, that is a killer. So people that are most likely to fall in love a few times in their lifetime are the ones that have actually vivid imagination.

We humans, undeniably, are partially animals. Animals mate everywhere and when you look at mating habits of mammals, you can clearly see that relationships between female and male have not been devised or engineered to favour time and “couples” don’t stay together in the long term. Time is not a necessary component for offspring to be born and raised. Cubs grow up and move on. There was no other hidden agenda, the only need is for the offspring to be born and survive up to a point of mating again. Having said that, marriage, long relationships between humans are somewhat artificially created because they have not been designed by evolutionary forces. In practise what that means is that often if you do indeed crave for long term relationship you will have to face inevitable problems and changing nature of a relationship. A recent trend of more popular divorces and in a sense collapse of marriage that will only be broken by death of one or both spouses is the realisation of the trend to be as long as you want to be and then move on with life to experience new thrills. If you think about it, it is going back to evolutionary roots and baking on nature - evolutionary gift - chemistry of love. That means you are a good on a market that has to sell, in case of woman, has to be young, fertile, educated, smart, etc and in case of a man rich, tall and clever. You have to be somewhat capable - healthy, no go for ugly, fat or disabled people really. That is why what you may notice is abundance of many females over 50 on dating columns in newspapers that have a few responses and a “full voice inbox” of the ones between 20 and 35. It is the way nature operates. It gets harder for a woman to be inseminated and give birth to a healthy child once she is over 35. It is not a coincidence that women tend to marry around age of 35, this is when they slowly start to realize that their time as heart breakers and guys tripping each other to get the beautiful ones is soon to be over.

Modern relationship, one without rules known in religious cultures resembles working in a company, applying for a job in a company and being interviewed for a job. In this case, both people do interview themselves. I often hear that people change jobs every now and then, it is because they cannot progress, because they want more money, because their boss is a bully, etc. It is uncommon to find somebody working for one company more than 3 years these days and even if they do, they are usually already quite bored and thinking of changing. Sometimes they cannot change, sometimes it is not easy, etc but they already start thinking of changing. Thinking is the beginning of leaving.

Relationship can be considered to be like working in the same company. Company has certain goals and there is always a political element to it and as we have already established you have to devote parts of your freedom for cooperative reasons. Why do you wake up every day to go to work? Is it because you want to change the world? Maybe for some people it is the case, until they notice flaws and dark aspects of companies, they fact that they are just a fungible resource for them. Sooner or later a wonderful boss will be mood, sooner or later frustration and complications will appear. In fact the longer we work for a company the more flaws and imperfections we tend to see. All this beauty is gone then and people think about - money when they wake up every day to go to work. They think about the bills to pay and their tummy that burps, craving for food. That means that we are not motivated by anything extraordinary but very mundane - thing - money. The longer we are in a relationship, the more flaws we tend to notice. If there is nothing mundane that our ego may want and that relationship provides, it is not hard to imagine that one person or both people may go separate ways. In the same way, we would not work for company that is imperfect. An initial period in the company - the honeymoon period is a perfect period, because you cannot see flaws, of course there are flaws, you just cannot for-see future problems. That state is a blissful state actually. The same happens in a real relationship - when there are problems, people often split - thinking that grass will be greener with another person. The problem is that actually sometimes it is. Therefore people tend to gamble, literally, they gamble they relationship for the potential of another relationship - if they are lucky to be with someone else, someone that can provide them with more resources, more options, more happiness. Some people think it is morally wrong to do so, but morality and ego’s own egoistic paths are somewhat different concepts.

The most successful couples and as the most successful I mean the ones that stay together for long time are the ones that do so out of some sort of political need or something that boils down to very mundane aspects. Good example is when a wife is with a husband because she doesn’t work and has to look after children. She cannot really easily leave the husband because it will be hard if not impossible for her to provide for children on her own. Others stay together because they want to bring up the child together and a child needs a parent, Christians stay together for better or worse because it would be an act against God’s will to do otherwise, Indians stay together because their parents have chosen that for them. Women marry wealthy men because they want security. That is why to really know that someone wants to be with you is to make both people completely free - without any socioeconomic ties. This is when you find the real answer - in most cases very brutal. One person eventually can and wants to live without another person and prefers freedom over imprisonment of relationship.

People who experienced love, often know that it can get close to feelings of hatred, this love and hatred as emotions are very close. Ambivalent feelings of love and hatred are not uncommon. hatred is very liberating for us when we are angry with that person. From my observation over time hatred is gone and usually turns itself in either indifference or actually feelings of love. Why is this important in the context of freedom, it is very actually. When you do capture your state of mind when you feel hatred all you want is so be apart from that person. You want freedom because that imprisonment is too painful.

Knowing what one wants may be harder than one thinks. We go from school to school, often without knowing what we want to do with our life, it is not uncommon that pure coincidence decides rather than our free will. In a very distant past, the profession was often passed from generation to generation, there was not as much choice as now. A blacksmith father passed skills to a blacksmith son, in Indian culture once you were born in certain cast, you stayed in that cast. Lack of freedom could be, paradoxically, liberating because the pain of over analysing and thinking about other options was gone, taken out of thinking process so one could focus on other aspects.

It is well known that people seek themselves in another person, yet someone who is a bit different. Why would they want to be with themselves only if they have themselves all the time? What tends to happen is that while they do indeed enjoy the qualities of another person that they lack, they may not accept an inevitable component, the vices that come along with that package. in addition, people are problem solvers, so we tend to focus not on good aspects but aspects that are bad - that require resolution. A minor problem can therefore grow to an enormous size and can be lost in the context of other parts working fine. Thus, a split and use of one’s freedom seems to be unavoidable in such cases, and mostly when there are no socioeconomic ties. I do seriously question reckless thinking of people when they do split based on trivial issues.

Another path that one may choose is to be with someone, not because there are God wishes that or parents have chosen but because since it is good for a child to have a biological father and mother. It is then much more probable for people to split when they have no child together.

The reason I wrote this is because you can think through what kind of life you want to lead. The path that you choose, will have advantages and disadvantages. You will make that decision yourself - without any coercion. I do not endorse particular style of life I just show their good and bad things so you can make your own decisions. Last but not least - I do have my own opinion of how I want to lead my life but I wouldn't be able to tell anyone 100% how they should live - this very much depends on who they are and what their ideals are.

Frustration of the giver

I haven't blogged for a while. Mostly because no one reads my blog and if someone does, then some people think it is full of non-sense. Perhaps it is actually. It is my non-sense after all.

Frustration of the giver is not something that I am thinking of right now, right now I have different ideas going through my head. This one is quite old and well understood by me so I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.

Frustration of the giver happens when one person bestows another person and another person does not understand or appreciate that bestowing. It creates a frustration in the person that bestows. E.g. someone tells someone else the story, the story is interesting for another person but not as much as the person telling the story expects. This causes frustration, potentially even anger. Why is this happening? This is happening because we tend to think that things that we like someone else likes, sometimes when we like certain music we cannot even imagine why somebody else would like something else. Everyone is unique and when I say unique I completely mean it, people try to search for their soul mate, the only perfect soul mate for yourself is YOU. Anyone else will be different, this may be subtle but eventually the more you get to know someone the more you will notice those tiny subtle differences.

There are two possible scenarios that can happen. One when the person realizes that what other person has noticed or the story the are telling is actually quite interesting and eventually they start paying more attention, another one, they get bored more and more.

When a story is told by a manager as part of work, then we feel obliged to listen but in personal relationships we don't. Personal relationships unlike work relationships are based on free will. We are friends with someone because we want to not because we are financially dependent. That is much more problematic. Free will is much more complex. Such relationships are much more prone to frustration because people have moods, people are different, people don't have to do something, etc. I will focus on what to do in cases where it is a free relationship - personal relation. The tricky one.

In personal relation in my opinion the giver should not be angry with the person that doesn't pay attention. It is because, they may not be actually interested in that stuff. It creates pain for us, more pain for the person that gives then the one that receives. It is not worth it. We may see someone in the future if they may want to listen to it but primarily we should just stop giving. If giving is not appreciated, it is not worth the effort and the hassle. We are all different, the other person may be telling us something that we may not find interesting. Who is wrong, who is right? What is more interesting? There is no such thing as more or less interesting.

Last but not least, it is actually possible that the other person does appreciate our "bestowing" but does not provide feedback. It stays in them, they consume the gifts and don't return anything back. This can also cause big frustration as the person that gives is not in a privileged position. Again, if the person doesn't want to appreciate our efforts, it is probably better to stop giving. But it is not worth to be angry. At least, I don't think so. Anger, however, may be a natural response. Natural emotion.