Silence.

Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence

A few basic facts about silence. I wrote some time ago that silence has no meaning, it is the meaning you attach to the silence. I used to think that silence is harmless, but now I know it is far from harmless, silence can hurt you as the meaning you attach can be painful. Lack of response can mean a lot of things. Examples:

1. They didn't get your message,
2. They got it but they didn't have time to respond,
3. They did get it but they don't like something about what you wrote and they need to digest it,
4. They are controlling you and they want to show you how they despise you in a subtle way, so subtle that it is hard to detect,
5. They are simply lazy,
6. The response to you did not get past their own cost to value function, time is precious and response can be precious as well. People protect their time when they value themselves,
7. They are not feeling well and they need to be alone now,
8. They are afraid of the emotional bond with you as it can potentially tie them to you and you become emotionally defendant on that bond with them [which can be dangerous]
9. Paying less attention to the one that makes an increasing number of mistakes [in the mindset of the person receiving the message - therefore they fight with their moral code]
10. Assumption that other person does want to hurt us and we do not trust honest intention of that person. Awareness for potential deceitful behaviour that another person can perform, when they say one thing and mean another thing. This can be either concious or subconcious. When it is concious it is manipulation and lying when it is subconcious it is egoism, just what is their ratio between egoism and altruism.

It is important that it can be a combination of some of these, they are not in isolation. When you don't respond they don't know which one is which one, when you don't get response you have no idea either. All of these things mean that sometimes people keep communication rather to minimum I would say. It is not nice to think if you will ever get response. People cherry pick relationships in their life that they want to continue and maintain as there needs to be value for them that is higher than pain associated with all the things related to silence I have mentioned and potential pain coming out of words that they send you.

For a smart person lack of response usually means that they think there is something they should think about. This is the right approach but one should be patient to wait for response as well. It is important to reflect on potential interpretation of words that you have sent to them. Remember that the same information can be interpreted in a few different ways for different people and even at different times of their life or day.

Silence is excellent if you want to control someone, and indeed many control freaks use that weapon. They can control you with their silence, this is especially true when you need them somehow and you wait for their response. This should not be done unless that person has done something really bad then since you are a free human being you are not obliged anyhow to respond. Your response to the person is your respect for that person but it is also your free will, something you can do and no one can force you to do so, as you should remember to protect your own objectives and yourself.

It is complex, isn't? Silence itself is not complex, it is there, we - human beings are complex.

The Mirror Theory

I found that in my life I like people who are like me, people that share similar values. It sounds obvious doesn't. You see, in my mirror theory when you look at the person the rays reflect in their eyes and either go back to you or they deflect. People are narcissists, they like people who are like them. People also have a tendency to fall in love in slightly different shade of their own reflection, yet not too different.

This theory has a different perspective as well. It turns out that sometimes people might accuse you of doing something or behaving in a way in which they behave. In this theory they see themselves in your eyes but it is more based on conjecture than real life. It is especially true when they don't know you and they try to figure you out and you do something that only appears to be as you are like that. This theory is based on the fact that the same information can be interpreted in a completely different way, depending on the person that sees that. People perceive reality through literally and metaphorically different eyes. There is a lot of common perception but a lot differs as well. Therefore, it is important to look at a human being in a wider perspective over a longer period of time rather than to jump to concussions straight away.

Human relations and metadata

One of the primary reason that people misinterpret intentions of messages that people send to each other when they talk is lack of metadata. In computer programming metadata is data about data, usually that describes that original data. When we are scolded or told off especially we don't know what is the intention of that message is, does a person want to just tell us what they are telling us or there is a hidden meaning behind it, to put us down, to control us emotionally, etc, something bad in general. The way to combat this is to trust a human being and know that their intentions are good. It turns out that the trust is really difficult and most people have and should have problems with trust. Trust is something that one should develop over time despite that sometimes you might initially just trust someone without knowing why. You might not be aware but your subconsciousness can trust without your awareness. Unfortunately, even though you might be trained in psychology to spot someone untrustworthy, remember that their moral code might be different than yours, therefore it is not like they lie to you, they just have different opinions about something. Find out what their opinions are. There are three ways to lie without actually lying, one is when one does not know what one wants, another one is to have different opinion about something and third one is when one is crazy :). A drastic example is for instance, when someone cheats on you but they think that polygamous relationships are fine. They are not lying, are they, they have just different perspective and opinion to the one that you have, assuming you believe in monogamous relationships.

Last but not least, at some point in our lives we misinterpreted someone's intention and someone has misinterpreted our intention. A lot boils down to an emotional inteligence but also other factors are important, such as the fact that you may have different backgrounds with the person you talk, different bringing up, and yet different soul. Soul is the least tangible but it turns out that often people that are unable to communicate well are the people who somehow are very different "internally", they don't get on very well because their souls do not match. It is not very rational and hard to explain to talk about soul incompatibility so I am not surprised if you cannot comprehend it, I hardly can, if I can. It is more of my gut feeling than something that can be empirically verified.

Swimming Theory

Blue = colour of wisdom (introverted)
Green = colour of harmony and friendship (introverted)
Yellow = colour of smiling, happiness (extraverted)
Red = colour of action (extraverted)

It should occur between any human relations but obviously in partner relationships one perhaps should make more effort. The theory means that people should swim to other colours for that person. I call it swimming to each other [perhaps because I like swimming] :) but obviously it is a metaphor. It is rather mindset teleporting I would say. If you are a certain colour and your partner is opposite colour or adjacent colour, then by swimming to his/her primary colour you are able to connect with him or her in a better way. Obviously there are many ways to connect with a human being and the most effective and difficult one at the same time is a spiritual connection. For day to day relationships the best way to connect is to swim to someone's primary colour. For instance, if you are blue and the person is yellow, then smile for that person. If that person is yellow and they want to connect to you, the best way is surprisingly to be sad from time to time rather than laugh all the time without any apparent reason. Blue people do not like when people smile for no reason and for yellow people smile is so natural that it is like the default mode of operation. Then we can elaborate on it a bit, so if you are blue, you much prefer to write than to use voice communication, if you are yellow, then you much prefer voice and non-verbal communication as you are able to read more about that person using non-verbal channels. Therefore yellow people should write letters to blue people and blue people should call yellow people more often. That way two sides are continously doing something together to find a common connection. Another important thing is to find a matching colours, if I am blue and green [which is true by the way] and if someone is yellow and green, we connect on green colour. This means that colour of friendship and harmony is our common colour. When I am blue and green and I meet someone who is red and blue, then I can connect on blue with that person, which will mean that we will reflect and talk about intelectual topics [wisdom]. That does not mean I cannot smile and they cannot, that would be silly but what that mean it is that blue is connecting us therefore we can hold on to each other in that relationship based on that common colour.

Obviously human being are more complex than just one or two colours, they have different hobbies. Connecting and swimming based on someone's hobby can be finding what they are doing interesting, what turns them on. Needless to say, one should be honest about it. Being fake will be short term and through non-verbal channels they will detect that sooner or later.

People don't like when people swim to colours that are not their colours. For instance, if you are yellow you probably love to travel, if a blue person starts to talk about philosophy with you, this will put you off and you will be considered boring. If you want to travel as a yellow person with a blue person, they might not enjoy it as much as you think, second of all - since they are introverted and take energy from themselves rather than other people and places - the travelling might be exhausting for them.

You treat me like a princess

You treat me like a princess and I am not used to liking that.... - Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette - Head Over Feet

It appears as though certain women do not want to be treated like princesses. Initially, I was really puzzled and did not understand this, now I understand a little bit more. It appears as though certain women - usually very popular and the ones that men fall for realize that men are often idealizing them and they themselves know that they are not perfect and they need to grow or be accepted the way they are [which often can be very hard for a guy]. They cannot grow next to a man that is idealizing them but only next to the one that sees their vices to be able to help to resolve some of them. No one wants to brag about their vices and weaknesses but smart people do realize that they are not perfect - no one is. Being not perfect does not mean that one cannot grow further. So in that sense treating like a princess thing means that a guy has to stop idealizing a woman - no matter how interesting she is but to see her advantages and vices. Obviously reminding someone every day of their vices is just horrible but being a friend [and it is basis of all relationships] in letting a woman grow next to a man is something certain women are looking for. Therefore, some of them will seek a challenging guy and a challenging guy is a guy that lets them grow next to them. The trick here is that some women end up with guys that indeed are challenging but at the same time despise them and treat them really badly or they end up with so called wussies, which means that they cannot grow next to a wussy because he is not challenging and idealizes that women too much. The problem with perfection is that it cannot be improved and some women seek constantly a way to improve themselves. Often they lack an inspiration or direction. I am not saying they are fools, far from it, everyone is able to be inspired by everyone. As a guy I have been inspired by many women, I think it is quite hard for a guy to be challenging and let a woman grow next to him and not slip into being an asshole. Perhaps it is possible then but perhaps not easy.

How to be a bitch and nurse - quick tutorial and reflections

I know that it sounds insane but that sort of thing in love and in relationships is actually possible. First, they will be bitchy. What I mean by bitchy is that he/she will show you how much they despise you in a subtle or not so subtle way and also put themselves first. That is when you love yourself more than them. If they are like that, the more clever person you meet the more she/he will show you how much they despise you in a clever way or the more they will love themselves rather than you. Then, since this type has a nurse as well this type will show you compassion, friendship and love. The combination is totally strange. How can you be a bitch and a compassionate person in one? It turns out you can. Imagine a cat, literaly, that first cuts you through it's claws and then comes to you and licks you. Assuming a human being can behave in a similar manner - the only thing that one can think of when one deals with a human being like this is what the heck?

It is like you met a person that comes to you, cuts you with a knife and then is wants to heal you and asks how you are and wants to help you. This is sick, in case you have not noticed. It turns out that some people are really good at that and people with low self esteem will be unable to leave this person and will be in vicious circle, especially when they fall in love. Mind you, that it is hard to create wounds for you and cut you if you don't fall in love, pain is very small, when you do fall in love, very subtle hurting over time can be very painful, over time, not over one day. It is an amazing psychological knowledge. I am sharing this with you in a hope that you will not abuse it but you will actually stop yourself from doing so. You are a very powerful person when someone falls in love in you, you can mess up someone a lot. I have seen it.

My theory is that for some people bitchy actions and behaviour are subconscious and support and help is conscious. It is like you were a born killer and you wanted to change in your life. That does not mean that you were not born as a killer. You were, you might just not be happy about it. Conciously you might not be happy about it but subconsciously, you are a killer.

The solution is to stop cutting and focus on honesty, love and remember that one can influence and hurt another person a lot when they do love us. That applies to me as well. I have to be very careful and I am. I have high moral standards, without bragging about it too much, some people - well they just let's say don't. They think love is innocent and one can play games to have fun. You can have fun but not when someone falls in love in you, then love games are really dangerous, for you and the partner. This has to be well understood.

Of course it is not that simple. Human beings are too complex and it is not possible to be able to peagant hole like this, sometimes a girl or a boy like that might not know want what he/she wants, another explaination for such actions is that it is hard to trust, therefore one is protecting oneself. One is protecting oneself to love them more than they feel they should and that they are afraid to trust that person so they become bitchy as a way to protect themselves. People are in general vulnerable and they protect themselves from suffering in various ways, sometimes by being cruel and brutal.

First and foremost, is to know what one wants from a partner. Surprisingly many people don't really know what they want, they keep searching but they don't know. For some people falling in love is the answer - if they fall in love it means she/she is that magical person - special someone. I am not sure that is true. After thinking about this for a while I reached a conclusion that falling in love might not be absolutely necessary, however, when you are in a relationship and then you fall in love in somebody while being in a relationship -> you might really have hard time as to know what to do. Good example of that was in a movie First Knight with Julia Ormond, where she has fallen in love in a young knight, while being wife of a king - played by Sean Connery. She had a really hard time, she didn't know what to do. Eventually, she was cheating on him and at the same time she was in love with the king. That is what usually happens with beautiful and interesting women and men in live, they have so much choice that they cheat, it is also their heart that is cheating on them - too much choice and evolutionary psychology on top of that. That is why it is not easy. It is a question, who controls who, do you control your heart or does your heart control you? Impossible to resolve as they say your heart is not your servant"

Falling in love can also be very problematic as it distracts you from getting to know this person as you idealize them [looking though pink glasses] and you think about them all the time. Love cannot wait, it just strikes and wants to burn quickly. You can try to slow it down but then, like a snowball it will keep growing and growing and eventually it might explode. Explosion and a fight in relationships - I shall call it a big bang can create new planets and stars and reconcilation is possible but problems have to be discussed openly - face to face. They can be discussed only if there is a strong will and desire to build a new universe out of big bang.

It turns out that many women indeed seek [bitch+nurse] subconsciously seek a guy that will be able to treat them like ladies and sluts at the same time. It is based on the fact that a human being cannot appreciate happiness in it's purest form. They have to complicate reality to be able to be happy. For some people there is not such thing as a pure happiness and harmony, they have to fight, suffer to feel reconcilation afterwards. One woman once mentioned that she is looking for a guy that will be 50-92% bastard. Not 100% bastard and not 0%. I would call it some sort of personality disorder and people that are like that might end up either with a guy that is more of a wussy than bastard or more of bastard than wussy. It applies to men as well. That balance is very hard to get for such a woman/man. No one is able to control this conciously how to be a dickhead for just about right level of dickheadness. I shall recommend for long term success learning appreciating goodness of a human being once there is a spiritual connection and not complicating reality more than it needs to be complicated.

To end I shall quote Alanis Morisette from the song Head over Feet:
"You treat me like a princess I am not used to liking that."

Being challenging does not mean to be a dickhead or bastard. Some women and men like when a guy or woman is pushing them to do things they didn't know they could do. It is the way you motivate is the key. I think motivating by laugh and fun is the best. Learn from Sweds and Volksvagen!

The Fun Theory

Last but not least, often a woman/man can be illogical. She/he expects that men/women that will respect him/her and despise him/her at the same time. I would say that extraverted people and in particular women [red and yellow] types are especially guilty of that. It is not possible for anyone to logically comprehend how one can be a best-friend and a bastard in one. Extraverted people think that spicing things up by really badly behaving is necessary, therefore they behave badly and often despise someone that is either introverted or extraverted. For introverts it is a real shock, for extraverts it is not, because it is actually what they expect. Having said that, in my opinion the way introverts and extraverts perceive ideal relationship is very much different. A person that is illogical [extraverts have high probability] is unable to understand themselves, meaning that they have an increased probability of not knowing what they want. So it all makes perfect sense.

Introverts = pure harmony and best friends
Extraverts = harmony, best friends + fights from time to time