Sunday, 31 January 2010
Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
A few basic facts about silence. I wrote some time ago that silence has no meaning, it is the meaning you attach to the silence. I used to think that silence is harmless, but now I know it is far from harmless, silence can hurt you as the meaning you attach can be painful. Lack of response can mean a lot of things. Examples:
1. They didn't get your message,
2. They got it but they didn't have time to respond,
3. They did get it but they don't like something about what you wrote and they need to digest it,
4. They are controlling you and they want to show you how they despise you in a subtle way, so subtle that it is hard to detect,
5. They are simply lazy,
6. The response to you did not get past their own cost to value function, time is precious and response can be precious as well. People protect their time when they value themselves,
7. They are not feeling well and they need to be alone now,
8. They are afraid of the emotional bond with you as it can potentially tie them to you and you become emotionally defendant on that bond with them [which can be dangerous]
9. Paying less attention to the one that makes an increasing number of mistakes [in the mindset of the person receiving the message - therefore they fight with their moral code]
10. Assumption that other person does want to hurt us and we do not trust honest intention of that person. Awareness for potential deceitful behaviour that another person can perform, when they say one thing and mean another thing. This can be either concious or subconcious. When it is concious it is manipulation and lying when it is subconcious it is egoism, just what is their ratio between egoism and altruism.
It is important that it can be a combination of some of these, they are not in isolation. When you don't respond they don't know which one is which one, when you don't get response you have no idea either. All of these things mean that sometimes people keep communication rather to minimum I would say. It is not nice to think if you will ever get response. People cherry pick relationships in their life that they want to continue and maintain as there needs to be value for them that is higher than pain associated with all the things related to silence I have mentioned and potential pain coming out of words that they send you.
For a smart person lack of response usually means that they think there is something they should think about. This is the right approach but one should be patient to wait for response as well. It is important to reflect on potential interpretation of words that you have sent to them. Remember that the same information can be interpreted in a few different ways for different people and even at different times of their life or day.
Silence is excellent if you want to control someone, and indeed many control freaks use that weapon. They can control you with their silence, this is especially true when you need them somehow and you wait for their response. This should not be done unless that person has done something really bad then since you are a free human being you are not obliged anyhow to respond. Your response to the person is your respect for that person but it is also your free will, something you can do and no one can force you to do so, as you should remember to protect your own objectives and yourself.
It is complex, isn't? Silence itself is not complex, it is there, we - human beings are complex.